Saturday, May 17, 2008
Listen to your heart bleed
Emily wrapped her arms around her pillow in her own bed. She didn't want to get up and go to school. It felt like another life. A life she didn't care about, anymore. And she wished she did. But tears burned her eyes now. It sank in that she was probably the worst thing in Gordy's life. She hadn't meant to hurt him.
But maybe she had. It hadn't felt that way. Then. She was into Rosco. This was the way it should be. Maybe they'd rushed in too quickly. But it felt really good to know how it really should be with someone. She'd stop thinking so much about Bella. Rosco wasn't hanging on to his cell for a call from his brother, anymore.
It felt good not to worry about them so much, because God knows, neither of their siblings really cared what they did. Harsh of a reality as that was to realise so slowly, Emily felt as if she was a better person than either of them. Except for the Gordy thing.
She couldn't chance having sex with Rosco in her own room. Seems her Mom was getting a little too close with all those questions about Rosco. And her Dad was back now. There was no way to persuade them to go on a holiday.
Even if she didn't really know Rosco's Mom, she definitely didn't want his Mom to walk in on them. That was no way to greet the woman who's son she was fucking. She just needed space. Why was that so impossible?
Of course, she'd screamed at her mother a couple of mornings ago that she was leaving as soon as she graduated. Unfortunately, she was only a junior in high school. "Guess, that'll give you more time to save up, won't it?" Her mom acted as if she could hardly wait for her to move. She should have taken it as a positive, but she didn't. She had to turn this into a Bella thing.
She had to defend herself. Then to take this leap with Rosco at Gordy's. It was the unthinkable. She hadn't even been drunk. It just seemed the right moment. She knew he would have waited. They could have waited, but they didn't.
Emily was sure, Gordy meant every word of it too. He didn't want her around. What if he never spoke to her, again? He'd feel the same way toward her as he did Bella. She hated herself even more.
She got up then and went to pee. Then stared at herself in the bathroom mirror. Emily still wanted a new nose. If only she had the nerve to break it herself, but she didn't. Instead, she got out the tweezers and examined her eyebrows.
Really, the brow was thin enough, but she needed a little pain. Not sure why. Perhaps, just to feel something. Something real. Not all this emotional stuff clinging on to her to the point of being numb.
Still it wasn't enough. She couldn't pluck her eyebrows completely. Somebody might notice. So she started a bath. A hot bath. She wanted to get in, and make everything go away. But she burned her toes and didn't have a bath after all because she was late for school.
Emily pulled on the first thing she could find. It just so happened to be the Misfit's T that she'd borrowed from Rosco. She slid on her skinny jeans and pushed into her red Converses and headed downstairs.
"Mom," she called in to a dark kitchen. No sign. She must have left already for work. Emily assumed as she stared at the kitchen stove then. She chewed at the inside of her cheek for a bit, really thinking of nothing. Nothing. It was nothing.
But she walked over to the stove and turned on the gas burner, and stared at the flame. She kept remembering her mother telling her how she didn't know how hard life really was, and that she was just too sensitive. Was she really tough enough to know what real pain was about? She didn't want to be so sensitive, anymore.
She bit her bottom lip as she kept staring at the flame. Why was she thinking about her mother's words? Why did she care so much that her mother didn't think she knew what pain was? That she was just a girl who didn't care about anything. Didn't know how to feel anything at all.
But there was the flame, and it was dark on a cloudy day. Maybe a chance of rain. Maybe a good day to just watch the flame. She was mezmarized by the flame. It was really a sleepy feeling, in fact.
She could see Gordy's face. All she really wanted was him to know she was there. But he still couldn't see her. Not really. Why couldn't he? Why couldn't it have been different.
She licked her dry lips, looked at her hand and took a deep breath. She waved her hand over the full flame. It moved so gently. The heat was so intense. And her hand was so tender. She took a deep breath. And her hand went down on the flame. And she smiled.
But she snatched it back quickly when the flame really licked the ball of her thumb. It was pain. A horrible pain. Miserable, in fact.
She felt herself shaking. It was as if she'd woke up. Finally. Maybe.
Emily rushed to the kitchen sink and poured cold water on her hand. She looked back at the flame. It hadn't gone away. She turned the heat off and held her burned hand for a moment.
Her eyes were wet, but she really hadn't been crying. She had to make herself stronger. She had too. The burn was only a start.