time keeps spinning

It was done. The exam. Bella looked at the ceiling wide eyed. She saw all the posters of embryos all around. She felt a little dizzy wishing she wasn't totally alone. Well, she wasn't. Not exactly. Fish was in the waiting room. They'd walked all of six blocks to the place. But she would have been lost if he hadn't came with her.

"You're not quite twelve weeks." The doctor told her. Bella cringed into tears. What would Kal have said? That it wasn't his. She didn't know. She hated herself for even thinking of Kal. It was Kal who had left at that place. As far as she was concerned he was out of the picture now. How come she just felt so numb?

"I haven't been sick, you know. Not really." Even though she still had the sniffles. "Are you sure everything is all right?" She was waiting to hear that something was wrong. But he told her everything was normal.

"Do you know what you're going to do?"

"I'm not sure." She felt ill. Really ill this time. As if someone was telling her they'd leave if they weren't wanted.

"Are you sure its just one?" Bella thought she might be carrying a whole litter of puppies, but she didn't know what breed they might be. Perhaps, a pit-bull and a couple of toy poodles. She smiled thinking about how absurd that was, but she had been a tad insane, lately.

"Just the one, as far as we can tell." The thin doctor pushed his wire rims up his nose. "Says here you've had one birth, already."

"Yes, her birthday is coming up soon. She'll be two." Bella said matter of fact, wishing she had the pictures on the phone, but the phone was gone. Her life had gone with it. This seemed to be the only thing linked from the previous one.

"So then, an edition I presume?"

Bella got up then. She was sick of laying around. Not knowing what to do. She could sense Fish was planning her abortion as she laid there. Yet, she didn't think that was evil of him, but perhaps what he thought she wanted. Especially, from all the tears and blubbering she had put him through.

She just nodded wishing this was something you could buy at Target and put together, but it wasn't quite that simple.

"So its settled?"

She shook her head, yes. Awkwardly, she felt stronger sitting up. She wanted to get dressed. She wanted to go back to work. It felt like this driving force inside her to look forward, not to dwell on the past.

The doctor gave her a prescription then. Possibly it wouldn't cost so much at Wal-Mart. She promised she'd eat right and exercise.

"I know all that stuff." She was actually pretty good at the whole pregnancy part. It was the part afterwards that scared her so much.

Bella found Fish in the waiting room.

"So soon." He winced.

"Yeah, I'm done for now." She sighed hoping he wouldn't hate what she'd have to say. "I couldn't do it. And if that isn't what you want to hear, then..then I guess I'll try to find another way home."

It was decided. She would write it in cement if she had to and let him be stuck in it. "What? You thought I was a horrible person, didn't you?" He touched her shoulders then. "I wasn't gonna tell you what to do. I never would."

She nodded. She wanted to believe him.

"Can we not talk about it right now," Bella said.

"Sure. We have plenty of time talk about it." He put his arm around her. "Maybe we should start thinking of a bigger space if, you know, everything goes like it should." His words were slow. But she remembered, she needed to make some money. Enough money for a bus ride back home. Thats all she needed. He really didn't need to make so many plans.

But she nodded. It was so hard to even think about the future. Suddenly, she felt so shakey. It was a panic attack, she guessed. She could hear her heart pound through her ears. She couldn't even comprehend what he was saying. The room was spinning and she was in a sweat.

Bella sat backdown in a chair in the waiting room. Maybe she wasn't going anywhere, afterall.