It was all right that Gordy had not came back to his place. Serena was sure she couldn't go through with the wedding, either.
Why was he like this?
She hated this about him. How he always wanted to be there for everything. And this was something she didn't want him to be there...to witness the unexpected. Of course, when she found out that the pregnancy wasn't really going to happen, it was almost a relief. She hated the thought of thinking she might have a baby with no limbs. What if it got here with just a head and a chest with a heart and that was it. That was it.
It frightened her of the thought. It hurt more to think of what her own mother must have thought when she was born. It hurt.... as if she carried stones of a burden inside her chest all her life. She was not perfect. There fore she was sent to an orphanage. Fortunately, an American mother had found her.
Still. It would always hurt that she would have wanted to have done the same thing to her own child that her mother had done to her. Dispose of it, someway.
She couldn't stop crying. She thought by now she could stop but she couldn't.
And when Floyd came and told her that Gordy was so sick that he was at the hospital right now, it just made her ill with her own grief.
"Everything will be all right." Where did he learn to say that, Serena thought. She knew he was wrong. It wouldn't be.
"I'd rather not see Gordy, anyway." She sniffed through an avalanche of tears. "Its just as well. Really."
"What do you mean?" He was hugging her and she hated it, but needed it all at the same time.
"If-" She believed it true, "If he'd never made me take that pregnancy test and go in for the exam, I might be still pregnant." The less she thought about being pregnant, the better everything had been. Until now. Now it wasn't happening at all. Now it was over. It was so over.
"You don't mean that." Floyd gave her a roll of toilet paper to help with the tears and everything else that went along with crying.
"Yes, I do." She had her pride. It was how she stayed alone. She was alone in all of this. Its the way it was in the end. Wasn't it?
"You need to rest. You'll be OK. You'll see. Gordy wants to be here for you. He does. He's running a fever and you don't want to make yourself sick over all this."
"I could handle it." She felt certain even if she couldn't sit still. She wanted to be doing something. It felt wrong to be here. To be at Gordy's apartment. She didn't belong here. "I just need to get out of here."
"Right," Floyd nodded, gathering her things. "I can do that. I can take you home. I can stay with you as long as you want."
"You don't have too."
"But I want to. You don't need to be alone." Now he was crying to. It just seemed to be contagious, Serena supposed.